can’t see the forest

Make of This What You Will

Posted in Alabama, driving, humor, Politics, USA by Curtis on 6/13/07

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Early this afternoon I was driving home from college along the four-lane that leads from the barnyard that is my school’s campus back to the grand civilization of our town of roughly 25,000 persons. Already angry because that four-lane is basically the only reason I have to drive a car daily and thus heavily contribute to the systematic collapse of our environment and of various world economies, I came upon a slow-moving clump of traffic which was blocking the otherwise freely flowing artery because those at its head refused to encroach upon the 65 miles-per-hour speed limit. In these situations I always attempt to drive respectfully, leaving plenty of space between myself and my predecessor on the roadway. This meant that, in this instance, I was plodding along for some miles at about 50 MPH.

Eventually I was able to work my way into the left lane (the passing lane) so as to get a close rear view of the source of the problem. You see, as those familiar with American traffic law will know, drivers in the right lane(s) of a multi-lane highway are usually permitted to travel as slow as they please within reasonable limits. This works well precisely because—and, of course, only if—the speedier motorists use the left lane for passing and then return to the outside lane to resume cruising.

The individual in front of me in the left lane today, and the principal cause of the traffic anomaly, appeared intent on cruising along in the passing lane at precisely the same speed as his right-lane counterpart—again, at about 50-55 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. I noticed that as the attractive young lady in the right lane sped up slightly, so did the ***hole in front of me. When she slowed down, he reciprocated. As a result, by the time we had continued for about ten miles in this condition, traffic was backed up about as far as I could see behind me. The gentleman almost took his left tires over the shoulder of the road several times while gawking at the girl; but she obviously wasn’t too eager to escape his advances, as her sports car could easily have outrun his pickup. Again, I iterate: we weren’t going anywhere near the speed limit here.

As I gently edged closer to this middle-aged pervert’s bumper, he responded by lifting the middle finger of his right hand in salute and grinning at me through his rear-view mirror. His poor motoring and social etiquette were no longer mysteries to me once I was able to get a close look at the bumper stickers adorning the tailgate of his F-150 pickup with a custom sparkle-blue paint job. They read:

“W: The President”

“VOTE REPUBLICAN”

“HAS YOUR SON KILLED A TERRORIST TODAY?”

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5 Responses

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  1. letters said, on 6/13/07 at 6:18 pm

    Hi,
    Found you blog surfing on wordpress. Just as there are sites out there now which allow you to name people as psychos, isn’t there one where you can log bad driving, including describing the make, model, license plate number, etc? Anonymous, effective. Repeat offenders could be featured prominently. Just a thought.

  2. Curtis said, on 6/14/07 at 8:11 am

    I don’t know, but it’s worth researching. Even if it’s not practical, it suuuuure would be cathartic!

  3. 99 said, on 6/16/07 at 12:45 am

    I used to dream about watchtowers all along the freeways that could vaporize dangerous motorists. It had to be fair, because everyone makes mistakes… maybe a counter system where you’d only get vaporized after a set number of dangerous moves. Now I want them to vaporize people with bumperstickers like that — with no slack for first time offenders — because they are even more dangerous than just their driving.

  4. Curtis said, on 6/16/07 at 1:08 pm

    ZAP. In the interests of national security, there could also be roaming tripods as in War of the Worlds. I second that.

  5. peoplesgeography said, on 6/17/07 at 4:00 am

    I third that. Great idea from 99. Love the evocative WotW image


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