can’t see the forest

The Onion: Oprah Launches Own Reality

Posted in celebrities, Entertainment, humor, media, Oprah, Physics, Satire, The Onion, TV by Curtis on 12/22/08

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I’m sorry—even though this is from way back in the dark ages of April, I had to post it when I rediscovered it just now; it strikes me as one of the most purely hysterical articles ever printed in “America’s finest news source.” You really should pop over and check out the whole article, though, because the illustrations, which include diagrams of winfrino and oprion particle interactions, add a great deal to the mix.

(CHICAGO)—Calling it the next logical step in her celebrated career, and a groundbreaking achievement in applied quantum field theory, media giant Oprah Winfrey unveiled her latest project Monday: a completely separate realm of existence, known as >OpraH, which she will control on the subatomic level. . .

. . .”This is all for you,” Winfrey told a live studio audience while she used her hands to split a uranium-235 atom following an interview with actor Sidney Poitier, her new biological father. “I’m going to show you how to live your life better, easier, and more happily. I’m going to show you the best books and the best foods and the best fashions. I’m going to show you everything. Everything.”

“They say the universe is always expanding and contracting,” added a smiling Winfrey. “But I’m going to make Pilates mandatory in >OpraH, because there ain’t going to be any more expanding, if you know what I mean.”

The crowd then burst into uncontrollable laughter for three minutes until a concentrated beam of light emanated from Winfrey’s mouth and all fell silent . . .

This is why I love The Onion. It’s zany humor, but always with a point.


2 Responses

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  1. peoplesgeography said, on 12/22/08 at 2:26 pm

    Good one. Launching your own dimension of reality: now Oprah can say she’s done it all.

    In the spirit of the above, here is a musical joke you might have seen. It was just forwarded to me and I thought you might appreciate it again if you’d seen it before (warning: cheesy):

    Musical Notes’ Night Out

    C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

    D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

    E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

    Eventually, C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental. The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.

  2. Curtis said, on 12/22/08 at 4:39 pm

    ROFL!!!! No, I have never heard that . . . that is awesome. Neither, I feel certain, has anyone in the music department at school.

    This will be lots of fun. Watch–I’ll have it memorized before the night is done.

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