The Onion: Oprah Launches Own Reality

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I’m sorry—even though this is from way back in the dark ages of April, I had to post it when I rediscovered it just now; it strikes me as one of the most purely hysterical articles ever printed in “America’s finest news source.” You really should pop over and check out the whole article, though, because the illustrations, which include diagrams of winfrino and oprion particle interactions, add a great deal to the mix.

(CHICAGO)—Calling it the next logical step in her celebrated career, and a groundbreaking achievement in applied quantum field theory, media giant Oprah Winfrey unveiled her latest project Monday: a completely separate realm of existence, known as >OpraH, which she will control on the subatomic level. . .

. . .”This is all for you,” Winfrey told a live studio audience while she used her hands to split a uranium-235 atom following an interview with actor Sidney Poitier, her new biological father. “I’m going to show you how to live your life better, easier, and more happily. I’m going to show you the best books and the best foods and the best fashions. I’m going to show you everything. Everything.”

“They say the universe is always expanding and contracting,” added a smiling Winfrey. “But I’m going to make Pilates mandatory in >OpraH, because there ain’t going to be any more expanding, if you know what I mean.”

The crowd then burst into uncontrollable laughter for three minutes until a concentrated beam of light emanated from Winfrey’s mouth and all fell silent . . .

This is why I love The Onion. It’s zany humor, but always with a point.

The Onion – Bill Clinton Agrees to Disclose Guacamole Recipe

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Well, what else do you expect to happen when you establish a history of keeping the good sh*t secret??

From The Onion, 12/4/08:

WASHINGTON—In a major stride toward increased transparency of former presidents’ culinary activities, Bill Clinton agreed Monday to disclose a highly guarded guacamole recipe—including a full list of ingredients—so that his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton, can be named the next Secretary of State. . .

. . .Administration insiders said that if the guacamole recipe is traced back to celebrity television chef Rachael Ray, Sen. Clinton will be compelled to decline her nomination.

Family secrets were made to be dished out, one glob at a time. C’mon, give up the guac.

Wait. Now, who am I to ask our former President to do something for me that I wouldn’t do for my President? Here’s a nice, simple, failsafe guacamole recipe from cooks.com that gets my stamp of approval:

1 ripe tomato, peeled
2 avocados
1/2 onion, minced
1 tablespoon vinegar
1 chopped green chile, or to taste
salt and pepper to taste

Mash together the tomato and avocados. Stir in remaining ingredients.Serve with warm tortillas.

Optional: Mix in pomegranate seeds for added color and a unique but authentic variation.

No, I didn’t omit the ingredients. Think top-secret clearance, presidential stuff. You’ll find them.

I haven’t tried the optional bit what with the pomegranate. Personally, I go light on the spice so that it contrasts with my hot salsa, and I like to be a little generous with the salt and sometimes replace the vinegar with lemon juice for a different kind of twang. And . . . sigh . . . yes, I do cheat and use a blender.

What the—?

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What—what’s happening? Why is my—my hand, it’s—something—I do believe the Holy Ghost is using my hand to move the mouse—-and to click—Publish—no!—I don’t und—aaaaaaaaaaaaah. Gurgle. Churgle. Smack.

I didn’t do that. Honest. But, then . . . why do I feel so much better?